


Lying With Men

by jericho



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-08
Updated: 2012-06-08
Packaged: 2017-11-07 06:33:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/428002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jericho/pseuds/jericho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian can't believe that Howie can be into guys and still call himself a Christian. But it goes a little deeper than that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written circa 2001.

_"'Cause when it's more than I can take  
I pushed and pulled to break  
A sucker for a saint"_ \- Oleander   
  
***   
  
It wasn't a hard realization for Howie, the idea of liking guys. He'd always liked guys. Even in kindergarten, there had been certain boys he wanted to be friends with, some inexplicable need that he didn't even question. And even as he had girlfriends, and he loved them and kissed them and tried to be good to them, he knew that there was a twin urge somewhere in the back of his head. Maybe it was self confidence, or maybe it was a solid upbringing, or maybe it was the faith that whatever it was, it was exactly what God intended him to be, but the idea of liking guys had never really bothered him. 

He watched movies like The Last Temptation of Christ, where Harvey Keitel as Judas looked at Willem Dafoe as Jesus with something much deeper than brotherly love in his eyes. He watched older movies, like Quo Vadis, with his parents, and saw Jesus as an androgynous man with large blue eyes and an all-encompassing love. If Jesus defended the whore from the mob, He wasn't going to condemn Howie for occasionally sleeping with a guy. 

He was discreet about who he slept with, mostly because he'd always believed in being discreet about who he slept with, male or female. And he came out to Brian pretty much accidentally. 

They sat at the table on one of the busses, riding lazily down a long, straight stretch of highway. Kevin sat across from Brian with his index and pinkie fingers on the table, making goal posts. Brian absently flicked a penny in Kevin's direction, trying to score. After each effort Kevin would push the penny back across the table, and Brian would sigh. 

"The meeting is over," Nick said from the couch, which startled Howie a little because he'd thought Nick was sleeping. "Can we go back to our bus now?" 

"We might as well wait until we stop again," Kevin said, flicking the penny back at Brian. 

"Why?" Nick moaned. "It'll only take a second." 

"Quit yer bitching," AJ said, emerging from the hallway with a rolled-up magazine in his hand. He stopped at the head of the table like he was about to present an award. "I found something in Kevin's bunk," he said slyly. 

Kevin looked up quickly. "What?" 

AJ unrolled the magazine at the pace of a strip tease. "Hustler Busty Beauties." 

Kevin rolled his eyes. "AJ, put that back." 

"Hustler Busty Beauties!" AJ repeated, wiggling it back and forth. "Kevin likes the big boobs." 

"Put that back." Kevin slumped more in his seat. 

"He keeps it behind his issues of First Hand," Nick piped up. 

Howie let out a sudden and sharp belly laugh and then raised an eyebrow. "Nick, how do you know what First Hand is?" 

Brian flicked a penny in Kevin's direction. "What _is_ First Hand?" 

"It's a gay magazine," Howie said. He noticed Nick look out the window again and was suddenly sorry he'd said anything. Nick obviously hadn't meant to say it, and if he knew what the magazine was, he must have at least glanced at it. 

Brian sat up straighter. "Yeah, Nick, how do you know what First Hand is?" His head snapped sideways and his eyes fixed on Howie. "How do _you_ know what First Hand is?" 

"Well, duh," AJ said, tossing the magazine on the table. It slid across the smooth Formica and stopped in the middle of the penny game. "Howie likes variety." 

Howie chewed his thumbnail and watched Brian closely. Brian's eyes focused on the magazine. A cover shot of a naked woman with bulging nipples looked back at him. "Since when?" 

AJ shrugged. "Since...since always. I thought we all knew that." 

Howie glared up at AJ, trying to silence him with a look. It wasn't obvious to him until now that everyone _didn't_ know that. Especially not Brian. 

Brian gaped across the table at Kevin. "Did you know that?" 

Kevin thumbed the tattered edges of the magazine, slipping a few page corners between his fingers. "I had an idea." 

"Great," Brian said quickly, "so I'm the only moron on the bus." He slid out of the booth like the bus was on fire, stumbling at the end and catching his footing. "I'm the only one who didn't know all this time that Howie was a...." 

"Was a what?" Nick snapped. 

Brian stepped back and scratched his head in a huge, sudden movement, a look on his face like a kid who had just found out there wasn't a Santa Claus. "You guys are joking, right?" 

"Brian, what's the big deal?" AJ said. "He likes girls too, and it's not like he's sleeping with you. Besides, where have you, like, _been_ all this time?" 

"I'm sorry," Brian said, but his tone was anything but apologetic. "I just assumed that if one of my friends had something like that going on, they'd have the courage to at least tell me about it." 

"So we're telling you!" AJ said. "Howie sleeps with guys. He likes dick. He takes it..." 

"AJ," Kevin said sharply. 

"Kevin!" AJ replied. 

"AJ!" 

"Kevin!" 

Howie took a deep breath. "Stop it. Just...stop it you guys." He sighed and rested his head in his hand, running his fingers through a strand of hair. "Brian, I'm sorry if you didn't know." 

"I wasn't looking for it!" Brian replied. 

"Well, maybe you should have been," AJ said. "Then we wouldn't be having this conversation." 

Brian turned on his heel and stormed in the direction of the hallway, stopping as he reached the mouth of it and spreading his arms. "Okay, is anyone else on this bus gay that I should know about?" 

"Maybe the driver," AJ muttered, and Howie thought he heard Nick snicker. 

"Great," Brian said. "So Howie can fu...have sex with the driver." He disappeared down the hall in one broad movement, leaving everyone behind him with dropped jaws. 

There was a long moment of quiet, with no sound but the whir of the wheels on the road. Howie spoke first. "He almost said 'fuck.'" 

AJ smirked. "No kidding. That was a hell of an overreaction." 

Kevin sat up, looking like he was going to reach for Howie and decided against it. "You know, Howie, he'll get over it. I think he's just shocked." 

Howie stared at the table top, still adorned by a nude busty woman. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't be sorry," Nick said. "There's nothing to be sorry for." 

"I should have told him," Howie said quietly. 

Kevin sighed and slid out of the booth. "Don't worry about it, kiddo. Let him cool off a little and we'll deal with it." 

Howie looked up slowly. "You think I should go talk to him?" 

"Yeah, but wait a few minutes. I'm gonna go talk to him first." 

Howie watched Kevin disappear down the hall. He felt AJ slide in next to him and reach to put his arm around him. 

Howie shrank away. "Don't. That was not a good scene. He did _not_ have to find out that way." 

"Howie." 

Howie looked over at AJ, whose eyes were narrow and solemn. "I'm sorry, man," AJ said. "I honestly thought he knew. And I didn't think it was going to be this big of a deal. He's overreacting big time." 

Howie glanced down at his new Rolex, a little gold one he'd found when they were shopping in Hollywood. One hour. One hour and he would go talk to Brian. 

When Kevin came back from the bunks, he agreed to stop the bus. Howie thought about grabbing his stuff and following Nick and AJ when they lumbered off, but he stayed behind to try for an effective patchwork job. More than anything, Brian just seemed hurt that he hadn't known, and that should be easy enough to fix. 

*** 

Brian trudged out from the hall and stopped short, like he hadn't expected Howie to be there. Kevin had gone back to his bunk, probably to pretend he was sleeping and listen. 

Brian stood there for a second, watching Howie cautiously, before he walked to the counter. 

"Hey," Howie said. 

"Hey," Brian said, his back to him. He looked like he was searching for a clean coffee mug, finding one and looking inside of it before he set it down and searched for another one. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." 

"It's not that," Brian said quietly. "I'm just...disappointed, that's all." 

Howie looked down at the table and saw that Kevin hadn't taken Hustler Busty Beauties with him. "Disappointed like how?" 

"I just thought...that we were all good Christians. It's part of what held us together." 

Howie inhaled sharply and frowned at Brian's back, trying to ignore the flame of irritation in his chest. "What do you mean?" 

"It's a sin, Howie." 

Stay calm, Howie thought. Stay calm. "The God I know is more worried about love and respect." 

Brian spun to face him so quickly that Howie almost flinched. "You can't change the Bible because you don't like the rules. One should not lie with a man as one would lie with a woman..." 

"I know. Despicable. Punishable by death. I've read the Bible." 

"Have you?" Brian snapped. "Because you could have fooled me." 

Howie's eyes widened in spite of himself. "What did you just say to me?" 

Kevin came out from the hallway, hair messy and eyelids drooping. "Whoa, whoa, whoa." 

Brian waved a coffee mug in the air for emphasis. "The Bible isn't a set of general guidelines that we should just follow if we feel like it. You can't just go to church every Sunday of your life and think sodomy is okay. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." 

"No," Howie said in a voice a notch louder than usual, because it was too late. He was officially pissed off. " _This_ is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." 

"But you just..." 

"How can you stand there and look me in the eye and say these things to me, like you're the final word on who's a good Christian? You're supposed to be my friend." 

Kevin made it to the middle of them, planting a hand on Brian's chest. "Enough! Cool it. Both of you." 

Brian shoved away from Kevin's grip and stormed down the hallway again. Howie heard the harsh sound of the curtain closing. 

Kevin sighed deeply, like someone had just asked him to do something tedious and monumental, like color co-ordinate 18 boxes of Lego. "Howie." 

Howie grabbed the issue of Hustler Busty Beauties and threw it at the other side of the table. "Stop the fucking bus." 

"Are you okay? You seem really riled." 

"I'm fine." Howie slid out of the booth and headed for the driver. 

"Are you sure? I don't think I've ever seen you like this." 

Howie threw open the curtain. "I'm getting on the other bus," he told the driver, yanking it closed again and walking back to grab his stuff. 

And Kevin was right about one thing. He had never been like this. 

***

The show that night was disastrous. Howie and Brian didn't speak the entire night, except when they were onstage and on autopilot. Howie felt Brian's eyes on him, looking at him with an emotion that was tough to read, but Howie was pretty sure it wasn't positive. 

They rode back to the hotel in silence, Nick slumped down next to AJ, tapping his foot against the back of the mini bar that ran along one side. He glanced at Howie, then at Brian. Howie caught his gaze and tried to give him a reassuring smile, but he wasn't sure he managed it. 

Even walking through the lobby to the elevators, Howie watching Brian's lean shoulders sway rhythmically under his thin jacket, the tension hovered over them like a rain cloud. Howie looked over at Kevin to see a determined grimace, like Kevin was trying to figure out how to fix this. Howie was always the one to fix these kinds of things. Kevin probably felt obligated to pinch hit for him. Then he looked back at Brian - at how Brian's eyes were never really opened all the way; at how Brian's nose reminded him of a teddy bear's; at the things that made him wonder, for the first time, why everyone thought Brian was one of the cutest. 

Howie walked into his room and shut the door loudly behind him, stripping out of his jacket and tossing his shirt so it landed in a neat bunch on top of his suitcase. He was tired, and agitated, and frustrated and at the same time, for whatever reason, ridiculously horny. He was too awake to sleep but too tired to do anything, so he flipped off his shoes and grabbed the remote off the TV, flopping on his back on the bed and searching for a channel. 

He'd just landed on MTV when he heard a soft knock on his door. It sounded like a Kevin knock, or a Brian knock if Brian weren't too pissed at him to knock on his door. 

He hit the off button and tossed the remote, sliding off the bed and crossing the room. When he opened the door, it _was_ Brian, wearing an old pair of sweatpants, a ratty T-shirt and a sheepish expression. 

"Hi," Brian said. 

"Hi," Howie said quickly, turning on his heel and heading back to his bed. He knew the heavy door was swinging shut behind him, but he heard Brian catch it and close it when he walked in the room. 

Howie turned to face Brian and crossed his arms. "What's up?" 

"I just...came to...." Brian paused, rubbing his arms nervously, his gaze fluttering around the room and landing on Howie again. 

"You came to what?" Howie asked. 

"Apologize." Brian stepped quickly toward him, running his hands down Howie's arms. Howie felt the urge to pull away, the contact sudden and startling. "I'm sorry," Brian said. "I'm so sorry. Forgive me." 

Howie was still too shocked to answer. Brian seemed to take that as anger or intentional distance and kept talking. "Please forgive me, Howie. Say you'll forgive me. Do you forgive me?" 

Brian crumbled to his knees, his hands running down Howie's sides and resting on his hips, his face pressing against Howie's stomach. "I'm sorry," Brian mumbled. 

Howie reached down cautiously, resting his hand on Brian's head, sifting his fingers through the short strands of hair there. His voice came out hollow and awestruck. "I forgive you, Brian." 

"Good," Brian said, and Howie could feel Brian's lips moving against his skin. "Good." 

Howie thought Brian would let go of him after hearing that, but Brian didn't move. He rested his forehead against Howie's abdomen, then turned his head and Howie could feel slight stubble against his stomach. Howie stared down at him, still running his fingers through Brian's hair, afraid to move or breathe or speak for fear that Brian would realize what guys usually did when they were on their knees in front of other guys. And Howie realized, standing there watching Brian rub against him like a kitten, that he was getting hard. 

He tried to will it away. He tried to think of naked old women and leg cramps, and tried to look anywhere in the room but at Brian. But he couldn't take his eyes off him, on his knees in front of Howie, totally submissive, as if Howie could flop him around like a rag doll and Brian wouldn't protest. 

And he knew that there was no stopping it. That Brian would feel it against his chin and his neck and everywhere else where he'd be terrified to feel another man. "Brian..." Howie said, trying lightly to push Brian's head away. 

He tried to take a step backward, but Brian's fingertips dug into his hips, and Brian yanked him even closer. Howie felt Brian's lips closing and opening against his stomach, and realized that Brian was kissing him, moving his lips across the smooth skin in a way that guys who were repulsed by other guys didn't usually do. 

Then there was the moist scrape of Brian's tongue, starting at his bellybutton and moving downward to the waist of his pants. 

"Brian," Howie said, a little louder this time. "I don't know what you're doing, but you don't have to do it." 

"Howie, I..." 

"Brian, get up. Please." 

"But I..." Brian looked up at him, blue eyes wide and timid. "I want to, Howie. I'm serious." 

Howie couldn't decide if he was surprised or not. He'd always known that people who talked about not liking gays usually had those urges themselves. He'd always gotten vibes from Brian that contradicted what Brian had said to him on the bus. But at the same time, he hadn't expected Brian to just come into his room and drop to his knees, either. 

Howie stared down at him, hand returning to Brian's head and stroking gently. Cautiously. Okay, he could do this. "What?" he asked, maybe for clarification or maybe because he wanted to hear Brian say it again. To make Brian hear his own words. 

"I'm serious," Brian repeated. "I really, really want to." 

Then Brian's hands fumbled with his zipper so clumsily that after a few painfully embarrassing seconds, Howie reached down and helped him. Howie tilted his head back and closed his eyes, trying not to watch. He wasn't sure why he was going through with this, really. He'd had fantasies about Kevin and AJ but never about Brian. Brian always seemed too...clean. Too wholesome. Like fantasizing about Brian would be like fantasizing about God Himself. But when he felt Brian's hot breath against his cock, and then the wet flicker of Brian's tongue, and he couldn't help but groan, and he knew the decision was made. 

Brian licked and sucked at him awkwardly and just a little too frantically. It was obvious that he'd never done this before - maybe never even _thought_ about doing this before. Howie worried for a second that maybe Brian was doing it to save their friendship. Maybe he felt it was what he had to do in order to make Howie forgive him. But Howie allowed himself to glance down, and Brian's expression was calm, his eyes sparkling, his fingertips digging harder into Howie's hips and pulling him closer. Brian was enjoying it as much as he was. Maybe more. 

Howie reached down and lifted Brian's chin with his fingertip, locking eyes with him. "Get up." 

"Howie, I want to..." 

"I know you want to. Let's get on the bed." 

Howie realized he was completely in control. It was an almost serene feeling, comforting and just a little exhilarating. He watched Brian lay on the bed and then slid in next to him, leaning down and kissing him as deeply as his tongue would allow, wanting Brian to know that he meant business. The kiss brought nothing to him, really. No tug on his heart when Brian's mouth opened and accepted him. No flicker of guilt or resentment or love when Brian made a tiny whimpering sound into his mouth. 

Brian's hand reached up slowly and rested on the back of Howie's neck. Howie felt him shiver. "What do you want to do, Brian?" Howie asked. 

"I can't...I don't...." 

Howie leaned down and swiped his tongue along Brian's neck, still enjoying the fact that he was a little intimidating to someone. "It's okay. You can tell me." 

Brian stammered, and Howie pulled back and ran the palm of his hand across Brian's forehead. And watching Brian trying to form the words, and the trouble he was having coming up with a suitable description for them in Brian-speak, he began to narrow it down. 

"Do you want me to..." Howie started, hoping Brian would finish the sentence. 

"I want...you to put it...." Brian tried again, but he faltered. And realization dawned on Howie until it was crystal clear. 

"You want me to fuck you," Howie said. 

"Don't use that word for it, Howie. Please. I just...I don't know. I've always liked any kind of stimulation there. Like with Leighanne, and she...and I just want to do it once. Just once. Just to see what it's like. Because I've always been so sensitive there and I just want to know." 

A dark shade of pink started around Brian's ears and spread its way across his cheeks, and Howie couldn't help but smile a little. In fact, he almost shrugged. "Okay." He couldn't believe how easy this was. 

"And I know you'll be nice to me," Brian said. "I know you'll be gentle and...I just trust you, Howie." 

"Okay," Howie repeated, leaning in and kissing Brian deeply again. He pulled away long enough to say "You mean tonight?" 

"If you want. If you can. I've been wanting this for so long. I mean, if you can tonight." 

Howie smirked. "Brian, I don't need a lot of preparation time for this." 

Brian smiled, and it was a usual Brian smile, but there was a faint trace of nervousness around the edges. 

Howie reached down and kneaded Brian's shoulder muscles between his fingers. "Just relax, Brian. You can back out any time. And we'll move so slowly that we may not even get there tonight." 

Howie kissed his way slowly down Brian's chest, flicking his tongue across Brian's nipples, loving the way Brian's back arched at the same pace, like it was following Howie's mouth. Just as Howie was brushing his lips across the tight muscles of Brian's stomach, Brian cried out. "Condom!" 

Howie looked up. "Huh?" 

"We need a condom. We have to have a condom, right? Do you have a condom?" 

Howie tried not to be offended by the urgency in Brian's voice. He was in unfamiliar territory and shaking with lust. It was unfair to read someone's tone of voice in that situation. So Howie lowered his head and moved his lips across Brian's stomach. "I have everything we need." 

Brian exhaled loudly. "Okay. Good. I thought you would." 

Howie glanced up and figured he was probably reading too much into that one, too. 

He figured he would kiss Brian slowly and let Brian run his hands along Howie's body, and that they would move at such a slow pace that they would fall asleep before they actually had sex. But when Brian said he was determined to do this, he obviously wasn't kidding. Howie had licked and sucked and played with Brian's cock for about 20 minutes, enough for it to be leaking precome and hard enough to twitch every time he touched it in a different way, when Brian breathed, "Let's do it, Howie." 

"We will," Howie said. "Give me a couple more minutes." He lowered his tongue even farther between Brian's legs, licking all the way to Brian's ass. Brian's back arched violently and he let out a completely un-Brian noise that sounded like a cross between "oooh" and a blasphemous word. 

"Howie, please," Brian panted. "Let's do it." 

"We will. Just wait." Howie continued with his tongue, lapping gently and then probing, feeling Brian open up to him beautifully, like he was made for it. Howie scanned his brain for a time when he'd seen or tasted anything like it, but he came up empty. He listened to Brian's urgent pants, and then the low keening noise he made when he lifted his hips off the bed. It was gorgeous. 

Howie climbed off the bed and grabbed what he needed out of his suitcase, looking back to see Brian's eyes brimming with desperate lust. And he decided Brian had to be one of the world's most enthusiastic virgins. 

A couple of quick minutes later he was on top of Brian, pushing inside him slowly, sliding in and out of him with the least painful pace his hips would allow. Brian breathed deeply, dug his fingernails into his palms, his jaw going slack and his eyes fluttering. And Brian's claims about how his body worked seemed to be right, because he panted and bucked his hips in a way Howie was sure he didn't do when _he_ lost his virginity. And again, there was the empowerment. The satisfaction of knowing that Brian had never done this before and Howie could still make him feel this way. By the time Brian's eyes had squeezed shut and his fingers were drawing frantic patterns across Howie's sweaty back, Howie felt like a god. A strange and displaced but nonetheless powerful god. 

*** 

The next day they were on the bus again, listening to the little TV in the corner that was airing some news cast. Howie was a master at pretending nothing had happened, and Brian seemed to catch on pretty quickly, too. He regarded Howie no differently than he did the day before. In fact, there were still a few icy gestures left over from when they'd been fighting, like Brian getting up and sitting somewhere else when Howie sat next to him. It was too casual for anyone else to notice, but Howie did. 

A segment came on about a custody battle between two gay lovers and a child's birth mother, who forgot to change the baby's diaper the first week she had him. A woman came on, her face tiny from Howie's vantage point at the table, and Howie heard a snippet of the dialogue. "...should be with the father." He lifted the magazine he was reading closer to his face, trying to get lost in it. 

"That's just wrong," Brian said. "A kid needs a good Christian home." 

Howie glanced up from his article and saw Brian still focused on the TV. He narrowed his eyes and went back to reading. 

Later that night, tapping the remote control against his leg as he lay in bed, the words resounded through his head like an echo. Good Christian home. Good Christian home. 

And he wasn't surprised when he heard a knock on the door. He wasn't surprised when he crossed the room and found it was Brian. 

Brian followed Howie to the bed, dancing from one foot to the other when Howie sat on the bed and looked at him. "Can we..." 

"Do it again?" Howie asked. 

"Yeah," Brian said, and the blushing was back. "If you want to. I mean, we don't have to do it all the time, but...." 

"Lay down." 

"Okay." Brian crawled on the bed, and when Howie leaned down and kissed him, Brian was already squirming. 

This time Howie didn't care much about being gentle. He went at a pace that was good for him, that would make him come the hardest. Except this time, Brian came too, arching and writhing, and Howie was a little surprised when he noticed that Brian's hands were clutching the pillow the whole time. And yeah, Brian was definitely made for this. 

The next day Brian told Kevin, with Howie sitting nearby, that he didn't think gays should be in the military because it was too distracting. Howie stared up from his magazine, knowing Brian wouldn't look at him, and he realized there was nothing more he wanted to do at that moment than push Brian onto his back on the couch and fuck the shit out of him. But he wouldn't, even if Kevin wasn't there, because the next time Brian came to him, Howie resolved to make him beg for it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Howie came out of the bathroom to find Brian in his bed, unclothed and under the blankets, hands tucked behind his head. "You didn't give me your key card this time," Brian said, "so I went down to the desk and made up some story about why I needed to get in."

Howie fastened the towel around his waist and walked to his suitcase, sifting through his clothes until he found a pair of clean boxer shorts.

"You don't need those," Brian said. Whenever he was really horny, he sounded cheerful, like he was ready to host a kids' television program.

Howie wadded up the shorts in his hand and turned slowly, and by the time he was facing Brian, Brian's smile was gone. "I didn't say you could come in here."

Brian's legs shifted under the blankets. "I'm sorry."

"Are you?" Howie walked to the foot of the bed and climbed on, crawling until he was leaning over Brian, forcing him to make eye contact. "You have a girlfriend, you know."

He saw something in Brian's eyes flinch. "I know."

"So we've been doing this for a few weeks now. What are you going to tell your girlfriend?"

Even more agitation. Slight panic, even. "Nothing."

"You're not going to tell her you're bisexual?"

"But I'm not...I'm just...."

Brian started to look away and Howie placed a gentle hand on his cheek to make him look back again. "Then what are you doing here?"

Howie knew he was being evil, but it was so hard not to. Whatever he said or did, Brian stammered and licked his lips and dropped to his knees. In public, everything was still the same, except Brian was still a little icy with him, like he'd never gotten over the initial argument. But behind closed doors, Brian would say or do anything for an orgasm. And every little anti-gay comment, and every comment about the Bible and God and how God wanted people to live their lives, was forming kind of an archive in Howie's head. And with every new comment, he got a new idea.

Howie peeled back the blanket and slid under, letting the towel unwrap and fall off as he did it. Their bodies slid together, Brian's legs spreading immediately. Brian's was hard already, just from the anticipation, and Howie rubbed against him in a way that he knew drove Brian crazy.

Brian's body moved against his, his mouth opening and his eyes closing. "Can we just..."

"Can we what?"

"Just..." Brian still hadn't been able to actually say the words. He hadn't said "sex" or "sodomy" or even "intercourse." He usually just stuttered and motioned in the hopes that Howie knew what he meant. And of course Howie knew what he meant.

"Say it."

"Howie..."

Howie readjusted his elbows, letting his cock slip between Brian's thighs and into prime position. Brian's hips lunged forward, trying to get him closer.

"Say it."

"But..."

"We can stop right now."

He couldn't even figure out where this was coming from, this new perversion with corrupting Brian. But Brian made it so tempting, and it caused a damp thrill in the pit of his stomach. Maybe, in some way, Brian was every jock who had ever called him a fag at school. Brian was every Christian right group, every radio disc jockey who thought he was hilarious when he made up songs like "Which Backstreet Boy Is Gay?" It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. But when Brian was underneath him, begging for sex, it was so bloody hard to resist.

"Make love to me?" Brian tried, sounding uneasy.

"Oh, come on, Brian. We don't make love. You don't even like me that much anymore."

"That's not..."

"Don't deny it. Just say it."

There was a long pause, and Howie could see the turmoil on Brian's face. The lips trying to form the words. Finally they came out tiny, and quiet, like a wisp of smoke. "Fuck me."

"What?" And yeah, it wasn't possible to get much more evil than this.

Brian said it again, and then again, until Howie gave him what he wanted.

When he walked out to the bus the next morning, his body was still a little sore from the exertion the night before, and his back stung a little from what he thought might be scratches. "Morning, Sweet D," AJ sang, uncharacteristically cheery.

Howie watched the ground as he walked. "Don't call me that."

AJ raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Because I'm not sweet."

"You are to me." AJ headed toward his bus, swinging his suitcase, and crooned "How sweet thou art."

"It's 'how great thou art.'"

"I know, D. God, you're bitchy lately."

And didn't he know it.

***

In the next town, he still didn't give Brian his key card, and Brian seemed too shy to ask for it. After the show, Howie went straight in and took a shower, turning slowly in the warm spray, letting the water soak his hair and his body and wash him clean. He couldn't wait to crawl into the clean sheets and go to sleep, and dream of something that didn't involve Brian, or the group, or anything related to another anonymous hotel room. He finished rinsing the conditioner out of his hair and sensed someone else in the room. He wasn't sure why, exactly, since the water was making too much noise to hear anything. He just felt it.

He wiped his eyes with his fingers and poked his head around the curtain. Brian was sitting on the closed toilet lid. "Want some company in there?" He was using his hick accent, the same one he used when he was trying to be funny. But it was like nails on a blackboard.

Howie sighed deeply, glancing back at the water going full tilt, and the clean white tiles. "Sure."

Brian stood up and was out of his clothes in no time, stepping in and fastening his lips to Howie's neck. Howie let himself be backed up against the wall, Brian's hands scrabbling down his wet body, reaching for his cock and brushing his fingertips across it. Howie leaned his head against the wall, trying to fight the irritation, trying to just focus on the touch. But it wasn't working.

Before he knew it, he was rolling his eyes. He couldn't stop it. "What do you want? Do you want to come? Is that it?"

He hadn't realized how harsh his voice sounded until Brian looked like he'd been slapped. He grabbed Brian's arms and turned him around, reaching down and wrapping his hand around his cock to jerk him off in the quickest and most functional way possible. Even with the hiss of the water, Brian's groan echoed off the tiles. Howie worked quickly, wrist moving in an impatient rhythm, until Brian's eyes squeezed shut and Howie knew he was going to come.

"I want to..." Brian gasped.

Howie decided he wasn't going to make him say it this time. He let go and reached over, twisting the taps to shut the water off, and pulled back the curtain. "Hop out."

Brian's head tilted back into an upright position. "You don't want to do it in here?"

"No. Hop out."

Brian stepped out obediently, waiting to be told where to go. Howie grabbed his arms and turned him so he was facing the counter, body naked and dripping in front of the mirror. "Wait there."

He went into the room, not caring that he was dripping water across the carpet, and grabbed a condom from the usual spot in his suitcase. When he came back, Brian was still waiting there. Of course. He'd never realized how weak Brian was until all of this, and for whatever reason, it just made him angry.

Howie put a hand on Brian's back and pushed gently. Brian took the cue and leaned forward, forearms resting on the counter. Brian's eyes were focused on the counter, occasionally drifting over to look at the sink, but he must have heard Howie rip open the condom. "You want to do it here?"

"Yeah."

Sliding into Brian was easy, because like Howie had thought before, Brian was made for this. He couldn't figure out if Brian had clued in to what he was trying to do or not. But it was probably the most evil thing yet.

Brian relaxed and pushed back against him, resting his head on the counter and letting out a little whimper. It brought a new flicker of irritation, and Howie opened his mouth before he could even think about it. "You can't do it, can you?"

Brian pushed back against him again, urging Howie to go faster. "Do what?"

"Look at yourself."

The few seconds of silence brought even more anger, and Howie stopped and leaned forward, resting his hands on the counter, one on either side of Brian. "Look at yourself!"

Brian stood up and pushed back so suddenly that Howie felt his back hit the cold wall behind him. Brian spun around, little blue eyes like twin thunderstorms. "Fuck you, Howie."

That was more than enough to make the bubble burst, and Howie felt like he'd had the response to this ready for three weeks. "Fuck you, Brian. You talk shit about gay people and then you come to my room so we can have sex? What is that?"

Brian leaned over to snatch his clothes, and when he stood up tears were brimming in his eyes. "I thought I could trust you with this. You're supposed to be my friend."

Howie followed Brian into the bedroom, watching Brian scramble into his clothes. "It's a bit of a coincidence that you'd say that. That's the same thing I said to you when you made me feel like shit."

"I said I was sorry!" Brian flung the door open and walked out, revealing AJ standing in the hallway with a bucket of ice.

The door started to swing shut, and Howie heard AJ's foot catch it. When it opened again, Howie walked backward and sat on the bed.

AJ shut the door behind him, holding the ice in one hand, and it was one of the few times Howie could remember that AJ had been at a loss for words. But it was only temporary.

"So," AJ said.

"So."

"What's going on here?"

Howie grabbed a pillow and put it on his lap. "Nothing."

AJ let out a short burst of laughter. "Nothing? That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard."

Howie tucked the pillow closer to him. "Why?"

"Because Brian runs out of here crying with his shirt on backwards, and you're sitting there bare-ass naked. And if memory serves, wearing a condom."

Howie sighed and rested his head in his hands, letting a strand of wet hair tug between his fingers. "It's a long, fucked up story. Just go to bed. I'll tell you later."

AJ paused a minute, shifting the ice bucket from one arm to the other, before he seemed to accept that. "Goodnight," he said hesitantly, and left Howie alone.

Howie flopped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling, hand moving absently to peel off the condom and toss it on the bed next to him. He could feel the guilt hovering over him like a rain cloud, swirling and waiting to drop. It was already sitting heavily in his stomach, and he wished he could cry.

***

The pews were dark and silent, and Howie could hear the melodic echo of the choir practicing in the back room. He stopped to cross himself, glancing at the image of Jesus, before he went into the confessional and sat on the uncomfortable little wooden bench.

The little window opened, and Howie could see the flesh-toned hand let go and disappear again. He'd always thought that these screens never really hid anything. If someone focused hard enough, and knew their congregation, they could tell who was on the other side. Luckily this was a church in the middle of nowhere, in a town Howie had never even been to before.

He leaned back against the wall, looking down at his hands. His fingernails were bitten down to the pink parts. "Forgive me, Father. It's been..." He sighed and rested his head in his hands. "It feels like forever since my last confession. I can't get any more specific than that."

There was a pause, and Howie thought he could even smell the priest on the other side. Warm and woodsy and masculine. Comforting. "Continue."

"I've..." He sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I've had impure thoughts about other men."

"Have you acted on them?"

"Yes." He'd confessed this so many times and to so many different priests that he already had a rough idea what his penance would be. "One of them was my friend, and I was real jerk to him. He hurt my feelings, and I don't know if I was trying to get back at him or what, but...I wasn't very nice to him after I did it. He'll probably never speak to me again."

He bit his lip hard, in the same place he'd been biting it all week. It caused a new warm rush of saliva, and it almost tasted like blood.

"Did you ask his forgiveness?"

The priest made it sound so simple. Ask his forgiveness. It was something Howie had learned since kindergarten. He couldn't figure out why it hadn't occurred to him.

Howie sighed. "No. I will, though. When I leave here."

There was another pause, and Howie could hear the choir through the thick walls, angelic and almost eerie.

"Anything else?"

"No."

And the 10 Hail Mary's at the foot of the crucifix were nothing. It was the reflecting on his sins part that he always had trouble with.

***

He knocked on Brian's door after the show, waiting in the stale, freshly-carpeted hallway. He sensed Brian looking through the peek hole and shifted a little from the scrutiny. A few seconds later the door opened enough for Brian to look out. "Yeah?"

"Can I come in?"

Brian opened the door enough for Howie to slip inside, then turned abruptly and walked to the centre of the room. "I'm not gonna...."

"Relax. I'm not here for that."

Brian turned so he was half facing him, eyes fixed on some point near the bathroom door. "I'm a person, you know. And I know I have issues, but I was hoping I could trust you with them."

Howie's eyes closed in time with his exhale. "Brian, I'm sorry. You just...you really hurt me with the stuff you said, and I was taking it out on you. I was pissed off about stuff that had nothing to do with you."

Brian fidgeted a little, looking at his hands and then dropping them to his sides. His voice was barely audible. "I know."

"I just...you're like my brother, you know? I'm sorry I fucked things up between us. I just want us to be like we used to be."

Brian turned around all the way, then seemed to lose his nerve and faced the bathroom door again. "Me too."

Howie walked over and put his hand on Brian's shoulder, forcing him to turn around, and wrapped him in a tight hug. "I'm sorry."

He felt Brian's face in his shoulder, Brian's body relaxing against him. It was funny, how he'd licked every part of that body in the last three weeks, and heard Brian's voice say things he never thought he'd hear, and now it was weird to hug him. To actually pay attention to the movement of Brian's muscles, and the strength of his arms as he wrapped them around Howie's waist. The body that had been laid out in front of him, that he could do whatever he wanted with, and all it had done was make him angry. Take, eat... Okay, it was a cheesy thought, but it fit.

"Me too," Brian said quietly.

"And whatever stuff you have to figure out, I'm there for you."

He felt Brian's arms tighten around his waist. "You mean..."

"Not like that."

They laughed nervously, although nothing about the situation was really funny. Howie wasn't sure he wanted to let go, because he wasn't sure how awkward it would be when he did. Maybe things between him and Brian would always be awkward. Things that an apology couldn't fix.

Brian pulled away first, smiling half-heartedly at the carpet. "Okay."

"Okay." Howie inched back to the door. He had his hand on the doorknob before either of them said anything.

"I think I'm gonna ask Leighanne to marry me," Brian said. "Like, maybe not right away, but soon."

Howie took a deep breath. He had to unclamp his teeth from his tongue before he could speak. "That sounds cool."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Brian's smile was bright. "Thanks. You're a good guy, Howie."

Howie smiled as sincerely as possible before he left, and walked down the hall in deep thought.


End file.
